Hi gang!

I've got quite a few letters to answer today

Dear Wasabi,
Lately, I've been developing a taste for whimsy and auritron... I know it's wrong, but I can't help it! The other day, I almost ate my boss. Is there anything I can do to make these horrible urges go away?
Your friend,
Shem the telluridyan

Dear shem-alemma-ding-dong,
Sometimes where we stand morally and what our bodies cry out to us aren't always the same. I can't tell you how many people i've known give into whatever desires long inside themselves, even when they knew it was wrong. I can't advocate doing something you know to be wrong, nor can I give you anything to excuse it away, but it's clear your confliction is significant enough to you, that you need professional help. The first step is to try and find the source of your feelings, as in, what triggered it, and if possible, confronting that situation. If you haven't sought out help by this point, please message me again, and we'll talk more.



Dear Wasabi,
The folks are in town and I was wondering... Do you know any good recipes for whimsy? I want to really wow my parents with something extra special. I don't just want to do my usual bacon wrapped whimsy...because you know...bacon wrapped whimsy just says "Sorry I couldn't make this whimsy taste good, here's some bacon"... Anyway, what's your favorite recipe for a special occaision?
Love,
Straeff the telluridyan

Dear I shot the Straeff (but i didn't shoot the deputy),
I personally don't think there is anything wrong with a dish as simple as whimsy wrapped in bacon, if it's something they really enjoy. Sometimes, you'll find that nostalgia can play a huge factor in taste. Having said that, if you want to try something new

Take a whimsy, already killed, and stuff him in the casing of a chartrusian (make sure you have either already eaten the insides, or merely skinned the chartrusian). Take the whimsy and bring him to a boil in enough hot water to barely submerge him. As some of the water evaporates, coat the casing with olive oil. The casing will become crips, while the whimsy inside will remain juicy.
Lay flat a large ball of flour with some water, and kneed the ball until you have a flat round sphere. Add Tomato sauce and your favorite cheeses to the dough. Chop up the cooked whimsy in the casing into small chunks, and sprinkle over the other topings. Cook at 350 degrees for 35 minutes, or untill golden brown. Voila: a rich, spicy whimsy pizza.


Dear Wasabi,
I want to go out with this one ellator, but she doesn't seem to realize when I'm doing the seven steps... How do I get her to notice me?
Sincerely,
Arty the Telluridyan

Dear Arty-art and the funky bunch,
You need to realize ellators and telluridyans have entirely different steps to mating. Your best friend in this case: A library. There are many tomes on the mating habits of ellators, and I think if you start picking up on those cues instead, your ellator interest will take notice (whether it's good or bad, she will notice).

Dear Wasabi,
I ate my homework and now I can't turn it in. What should I do?
Love,
Delos the telluridyan

Dear dia delos muertos,
After writing about that tasty whimsy earlier, I'm pretty hungry myself. Assuming this wasn't for math class, why not write an essay on the journey of your homework from your mouth, and through your body. You're covered for both english or biology in this manner.

Dear Wasabi,
The other kids at school won't play with me because of how I look. They say things like, "You're scary" and "Don't eat me!" and "You're a metallic abomination!" It makes me sad and not want to go to school....
Signed,
Telxi the telluridyan

Dear go tel aunt rhodie.

Kill them, they're all just a waste of carbon anyways

Dear Wasabi,
My mom's side of the family and my dad's side of the family don't get along... Whenever they meet, it's always fight, fight, fight! Is there anything I can do to get these guys to get along?
Signed,
Rialt the Tellur-whim

Dear virtual Rialtity,
My only suggestion is to have your special occasions twice, once for each side of your family, so we don't see a lot of tasty pizzas floating around.


Dear wasabi,
I'm having a lot of trouble transforming.... Father really wants me to be able to transform, you see...he's the stand leader and he's really powerful. I just can't get it down... Can you teach me to transform better?
Love,
Ryll the ahrehk'taur

Dear O' Ryll-e
Transforming, like many things, has to come about naturally. A big reason you're probably not performing the transformations well is because you have so much stress and pressure under you. Do you really want to transform in the first place? I think you'll find once you're doing it for yourself, and not for anyone else, you'll be able to transform as you please.

Dear Wasabi,
I'm tired of these ahrehk'taurs hovering around! They scare me and they sing all the time and terraform and it's really annoying! How do you get rid of ahrehk'taurs?!
Sincerely,
Henrehn the annoyed

Dear annoyed the noid,
Get rid of ahrehk'taurs, are you serious? Good luck pal, not even the proteans could get rid of them. My advice would be either to formally request a noise ordinance (and hope they don't smash you) or move.